Okay, this may not relate to you. Maybe you own a mirror, and maybe you use it on a daily basis. Maybe, before you leave your house in the morning before school or work, or in the evening before you go out, you take one last look at your ass before you walk out the door to make sure that:
1) You can not see your panties, or any panty lines through your pants,
2) You can not see the top of your panties when you bend down, and
3) You most certainly can not see the top of your panties when you’re standing up
If you answer “Yes, I make certain of those things”, then you may as well just skip ahead to the next blog, because you’ve already got this shit figured out. But if you’re thinking to yourself, “What are panty lines?” then keep on reading, darlin’, because this is for you.
First of all, there’s no reason for you to own any non-thong panties. Don’t argue with me. You’ll get used to the feeling of the thong, and let me just tell you that whatever you think it’ll be like, it’s not nearly as uncomfortable as the feeling of having all that granny panty fabric all bunched up. Let me repeat: there is no reason for you to own any panties that are not thongs - Not for “that time of month”, not for working out, not for riding your bike, never. They are cute, they are comfortable, and if you don’t own any, then you should.
If you insist that thongs will be uncomfortable and that you don’t want that piece of string up your butt, okay fine. You’re wrong, but whatever. At least observe a few simple, rules, ahem, suggestions:
1) If you plan on wearing white pants, check the thickness of the pants before you put on your red panties. If you have to ask why, then this rule is doubly important.
2) If you are going to wear thin pants, it is important that your panties also be relatively thin, otherwise you will be a victim (or perpetrator) of PTL. Panty Lines. Panty lines aren’t pretty – panty lines suggest a lack of attention to detail. And you know what else? Just because you can’t see it (because you can’t see your ass unless it’s on purpose) doesn’t mean that it’s not there. And it sure as hell doesn’t mean that I want to see it.
Second, before you leave your house in the morning, just bend down or bend over and feel above the back of your pants. Feel anything sticking up out of your pants? This applies to both #2 and #3 at the beginning of this post because it’s either your panties or your ass crack, and I don’t want to see either. If it’s your panties, go put on your low-rise panties (or better yet, your low-rise thong). If it’s your ass crack you feel, go put on different pants. I don’t care how young you are, or how young you feel, ass crack is not the new cleavage. It isn’t cute, it isn’t sexy, it does nothing except hide the place that makes poop, and I can assure you, there is NOTHING sexy about that thought. So change your pants. And then burn them.
Having trouble remembering all these rules, er, suggestions? Then just remember this: Crack Is Bad.
Keep your thongs low, your pants up, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.