156.0

Yikes.

I'd like to tell you that the number, 156, has some happy special meaning for me, like it's 156 days until I get married (it's not), or it's 156 days until my birthday (again, no), or in 156 days I'm leaving for a fabulous vacation (uh - vacation? for that you need money, pfft), but 156 means none of those things for me today.

Yikes.

Today, 156 means that I Am Fat.

Disclaimer: What's to follow is an extremely personal little post and I feel it necessary to spell a few things out.

1) You are not fat. You are perfect exactly how you are. I mean this.

2) I am fat, but by my own standards. If you weight 156.5 pounds, this still does not make YOU fat.

3) I am talking about my own body image, my own feelings about my weight, and they have NOTHING to do with you, or how I might feel about you.

4) I am not judging anyone but me. Okay?

Okay. So, let's talk about How I Got Fat.

I am a stress eater. Other people - they waste away when they get stressed. Me? I ask you (not so politely all the time, sorry honey) to pass the chocolate and the wine, gin, vodka  and please to then get out of my way.  I've had a bad day? Taco Bell is the only thing that will make me feel better. I've worked really long hours? Mac 'n' Cheese for me, pleasethankyou. I feel blue today? Yes, I would like another piece of cheese, thanks.

You get the point.

I've spent the last year and a half ignoring my body intentionally. That's the only way I could get to 156 - by purposefully ignoring my body and all the things that it's tried to tell me.

I'm not a big fan of my body and I never have been. I got my dad's height (or lack thereof), my mother's thighs (ahem, German - I have a body for birthin' babies, yo), my mother's boobs (teetiny), my father's feet (huge), my mother's calves (cankles, thanks), and my mother's behind (I will never blow over in a strong wind).

But really, so what? I learned long ago that even though I may not love these elements, there's nothing I can do to fundamentally change them short of surgery, which I'm not interested in.  I know that the only thing I can do is try to be the best, healthiest version of me possible. I will never have pretty little ankles or a small butt - but I can have ankles (well, I think I can) and a smaller butt.

That is, of course, as long as I am not eating my weight in cheese on a regular basis, and trying to figure out ways to turn wine back into water after I've already had a few glasses.

So, basically, I've been abusing my body for the last year and a half and honestly, I've only marginally cared.

I'm not really sure why I punish myself by not taking better care of my health and my body, but I feel that it is fundamentally true that I do this. I need to really figure this out. And that's why I'm making my internal monologue an external dialog.

Every Friday I will tell you what I weigh. It's a way to make it really real for me, and I need to out myself about it.

My goal weight: 115.

Pounds to go: 46 (holy shit)

My reasons:

1) I'm 31 years old. I need to grow the fuck up and start caring about what I do to myself, mentally and physically.

2) I want to fit into my clothes again.

3) I want to stop cringing when I see my ass in a mirror (again, holy shit).

4) I want to live with more purpose - but positive purpose, not self-destructive purpose.

5) I don't want to be Fat with Braces anymore. (hi! I already had an awkward phase - I really don't need another one).

6) I'm getting married someday, and I want to choose the most ass kicking dress and have it look awesome on me.

What I Need From You:

The way I lost weight before was to be very strict with myself during the week (*sob*, no more wine during the week. or vodka. or gin. *sob*) and to be more relaxed during the weekend. This, coupled with regular exercise, had me losing about a pound a week and I was happy with that.

What I need from you is help keeping it real.

So, if you see me in the caf (and you know who you are) looking longingly at the jalapeno poppers, please distract me with yarn until the crisis passes.

Comments

[jenny]

OK, I had the same epiphany this week. If you want a a partner in this, I'm in.

[Laurie]

We'll help in virtual fashion in whatever way we can.

I recognize that I eat when I'm bored, when I'm antsy, when something is bothering me. Rather than change the behavior I've started trying to substitute...a glass of water whenever I think of eating. And also making sure I don't eat.

It is so difficult to change eating habits. Unlike smoking, or other addictions, we can't approach it as all or nothing. One still has to eat. Limiting intake and type of food is SO hard. I fight every day to maintain and to make myself exercise in some way. I'm successful about 50%.

[christine]

I hit my peak last summer, while on vacation. In Jackson Hole, Wyoming, I was FORCED to buy new pants because I could no longer fit in my jeans.......it was humilitating. I joined weightwatchers when we got home, and have now lost 12 pounds. I never thought that I would be in WW, but it works.
I, too, have the German legs and cankles - my dear father used to tell me that Bavarian women needed hefty, strong legs so that they could carry the milk pails up the mountains. Yeah, right. I never felt better when he told me that, but when I was in Germany, I saw many many women with my legs........
I'll be rooting for you!

[Bookish Wendy]

Putting that number out there somehow takes it's power away, doesn't it?

That's my goal weight too. We can do it together without those damn Poppers. Sigh, gurgle, blech.

Should we start walking during the day??

[maryse]

well you already know that i'm on the plan even though at claudia's it did not seem that way but really i did not drink any alcohol at all. nor did i eat an entire dessert.

but i digress. at weight watchers, they try to get you to think in baby steps so you don't freak out by how much you actually do have to lose (46 lbs -- super scary)

so if i may advise you -- start with 10% off.

that's 15.6 lbs. not so scary.

by the way, i'm a stress eater big time and although i seem pretty laid back, i'm actually a whack job anxious person. so i know what you are going through.

by the way, the jalepeno poppers. they suck at the cafeteria. you know they do. blech.

if you want to borrow some of my ww materials you know you can. or call me.

[Kate]

You have an amazing support system around you, Mike included. I am positive that you can do this. Will it be easy, hell no, but you can do it. You've taken the first step and I only see success in your future.

I'm behind you 110%.

[Lolly]

Despite your disclaimers, all I could think about was that I weighed your weight when I was in middle school. Talk about holy shit. Granted I am taller than you - sometimes it seems like I am taller than everyone, and I was a very early bloomer. Boobs and Aunt Flo at age 10.

Kris and I joined a gym, and I am supermotivated to get my ass in gear. Maybe we can do some email motivations. We can root for each other.

Best of luck to you, girlfriend.

Love,
L

[Chris]

Just to help me out here, since I've never met you - how tall are you?

Salads are really very tasty. :)

[elisa]

You guys all rock. I'd reply to you individually, but Typepad has decided it doesn't want to notify me of comments via email today, so I got nothin'...

*mwah!*

[melanie]

Totally here for you, my sweet. I applaud any efforts at a healthy self that makes one feel better about oneself. Wherever you are on your path though, I think you still have a sassy sexy thing goin' on!! Break out the pink pumps!!

[Amber]

It seems like a lot of people are making these revelations. One of the things that I did before (need to go again) is to put mad money into a jar every time I worked out. That was yarn money. No worky outy, no yarny. That was that.

Man, that was tough, but it worked!

[Beth S.]

Here's what helped me:

http://www.fourmilab.ch/hackdiet/e4/

Not a diet as such, just a helpful way to keep track of your progess, and probably the best (i.e. most accessible) explanation of weight issues and management that I've encountered to date.

You've inspired me to start charting again!

[Carolyn B.]

I'm rooting for you! I've been losing with Weight Watchers, but it's mostly just watching my portions, drinking water and selecting foods that are better for me. (Ew, all that responsible stuff.) You may find it helpful to think of it the way our WW instructor advised. She told me that I don't have to lose 100 pounds (*faint*); I have to lose 2 pounds ... 50 times. Baby steps, in other words. So far so good. I hope you succeed beyond your wildest dreams. ;o)

Best wishes from a faithful reader,
Carolyn B.
Collierville, TN

[Erin]

I'm confident you can do it. Just stick to your goals. I liked the idea about putting money in the jar for yarn every time you exercise. If that's not incentive, I don't know what is!

By the way, I'm one of those non-eaters when stressed. I can definitely appreciate, however, the other end of the spectrum. I what you might call a boredom eater. When I'm bored I head to the kitchen, not because I'm hungry, only because I'm bored.

[Amy]

Congrats for being honest with yourself. Seeing those numbers - wherever you are on the scale - are scary.

I lost the first bunch of weight by just eliminating the default foods - I was drinking a full days worth of fat in my morning coffee and afternoon latte. I weaned myself from cream down to skim and that made a huge difference. I've been at this a year now, making baby steps and changing my life. It can be done, good luck.

[Kim]

I'm right there with you hon. I wish I only weighed 156. I've been making myself walk each A.M. which has been helping, but I've been back and forth to Sacramento so much this past week that I have not been so good about it. Ahh, only if we were both 18 and a size 5 on a diet of Fritos and soda again...

[Faith]

Good luck to you, I never used to be a stress eater (lost 30 pounds during my divorce, most of which has migrated back over the past 8 years), but I've begun to head in that direction. My biggest problem is not being able to resist vending machines at work (junk food AND wasted money).

I'll make sure to provide encouraging and supportive comments along the way.

[Norma]

I'm rooting for you, too! I've got 10 myself that I've decided needs to GO. And I see so much of myself in the way you describe yourself.

[Kellee]

OK chiquita, use that same #, but replace the word 'thighs' with the word stomach, and we are (once again) pretty much on the same page. You've gotten some great tips up here (which I'm totally stealing) but also....I want in. A semi-unofficial team HEALTHY boston, as it were.

And I'm fully prepared to reward you with yarn.

[julia fc]

I think kellee's got an idea there: maybe we should ahve ablog on the side. I'd join in . I feel the same way about my number 215. Granted, I'm six feet, but my goal is 180, where I can live happily and have my cake too. Something that Amy said to me at Claudia's that I've been hugging to my chest ever since was that it was all about having ahealthy alternative available. If the fridge only has poppers in it, you're going to eat them. I love good soup, so I dug out my Moosewood and I've had a pot to eat through ever since then. I'm already down a few pounds since last Sunday. Better stick with it too, because my Poetry in Stitches sweater isn't going to wrap around a size 18 like I am right now!

[Elspeth]

I'm in a very similar situation -- finally down to 146.9 after 16 mos. and my goal is somewhere around 120 (I haven't been there since high school). What did it for me so far was to eat really healthy meals and cut down the extra stuff (but not entirely, which is nice for when I plateau).

Good luck! It's a hard goal, but I see people at Weight Watchers every week who have lost 25-90 lbs. so it's possible!

[Elspeth]

I'm in a very similar situation -- finally down to 146.9 after 16 mos. and my goal is somewhere around 120 (I haven't been there since high school). What did it for me so far was to eat really healthy meals and cut down the extra stuff (but not entirely, which is nice for when I plateau).

I also have the short fat German genes (oh why couldn't we have gotten the tall blond skinny German genes? They're definitely out there!) which really suck. Scarily enough both me and my DH have them. I hope my kids don't get too screwed.

Good luck! It's a hard goal, but I see people at Weight Watchers every week who have lost 25-90 lbs. so it's possible!

[amandamonkey]

You rock for putting this out there. I especially like your disclaimer.

I'm 31 and trying to get into shape, too. And trying to 'grow the fuck up' too.

[Donna]

Best of luck to you Elisa! I am sure that was difficult for you to post...proof that you are definitely motivated. You can do it!

[Kathy]

Oh my gosh! Same situation over here. I started Weight Watchers a few weeks ago and really recommend it. It's positive and the small steps really do help. You are smart to think about this now -- I am a bit older (ok -- maybe a "bit and a half") and, I'm sad to say, the weight loss thing doesn't get easier. You'll do it!