National Elisa Thinks Being a Fatty Patty Sucks Day

First: Business

Weight 2/3/06: 153.5

Loss: -2.5

Target: 115.0

Pounds to Go: 38.5

Now: Thinking Things

This may surprise you, but I have always been a short girl. Even during those elementary school years when girls are supposed to be taller than boys well, I wasn’t. I was short.

And I really hated being short.

But although I was short, I wasn’t heavy. I wasn’t a skinny girl, and I had a long torso and short little legs, but I wasn’t heavy. I was an average, healthy size for my height and uber-Germanic build.

Here’s the thing – I’ve always thought I was fat, even though I wasn’t.

In my mind, I’ve never had ankles and I’ve always been fat, but I have pictures to prove that isn’t true – it seems that I did have ankles, right up into my late teens/early twenties. And then I gained a few pounds (pass the potato chips). And then I gained a few more (and the dip). And then I gained a few more (yes, I’d like a Suzy Q, pleasethankyou). And then…you get the picture (shorry, I cabt talk wif my mouf full).

For the last 11 years of my life, I have steadily put on pounds, a little at a time. The thing that really sucks is that each time I hit bottom (or each time I catch the reflection of my bottom in the mirror, har) I look back at my previous plateau and think, “Dude – what was wrong with you? You weren’t fat! You’re fat NOW, but you weren’t fat THEN!”

The shitty thing about always thinking I’m fat in the present but non-fat in the past is that as I am losing weight I still always think I’m fat. I realize now that when I am in that frame of mind I am Brain Fat instead of Body Fat, and I’m going to have to pay a lot of attention to that this time around – I have to finally become familiar with my body – and jesus, I need to give myself a break sometimes.

But you know what really sucks about losing weight? My boobs are gonna go first and my ass is going to hold on for dear life. Damn.

Comments

[itgirl]

I've just plain always been fat.

[Laurie]

2.5 - good hard work gets rewarded! Most women seem to be brain fat (good word). We live in a draconian culture in that respect.

[Kathy]

2.5 lbs -- yea for you!!!! I am short too and it just sucks gaining weight when you are 5'1 -- 5 lbs looks like 10; 10 looks like 20. Here's to success on week 2!

[Carolyn B.]

* doing a victory dance for you *

Congrats on the 2.5! Always good to show some fat the door, isn't it?

It's funny, too, how our mental images don't match the exterior. It's hard to get them in sync. I was convinced as a young'un that I was fat, but I remember being so skinny as a kid that my aunts were always warning I would "dry up and blow away." (Haven't heard that one in a while, heh-heh.) And as a college freshman, I was little enough that years later one of my children was wearing part of one of my college Halloween costumes (a leopard print skirt) when she was in elementary school. Back in the college days, I had a butt the size of a dinner plate. Now, 24 years later? Feh. The size of a turkey platter. But in my head? Way up in THERE I still wear a size 5.

But at least I'm working on it like you; I'm noshing on carrots tonight while the family torments me with their chocolate snacks.

Had to laugh at your "ass hanging on for dear life" comment. AMEN!

CONGRATS! - Carolyn B.

[Faith]

Job well done, and I totally get the brain fat vs body fat thing, I haven't exactly managed to sort it out for myself, but I get it.

[julia fc]

::sigh:: for all my missed opportunities because I was so focused on the weight (which was, as you say, in my head) like never believeing that a cute guy might be attracted to me because I was too fat, or turning down a party invitation because I feared all the skinny girls would be there. What I wouldn't wear, where I wouldn't go, all lost. Now I rock, and yeah, the fat is real. But there isn't a thing I would not do (except wear somthing stupid) for the sake of the fat.
Hurrah for the honeymoon phase. Let's cruise and lose!

[Erin]

Of course the things you want to lose (the ass) is the first to grow and the last to go. Why can't it be that way with the boobs?

[Chris]

Maybe not on the boobs. Mine always stick around through my weight yo-yoing... :)

There are some good books out there on body image... It's not easy, tho! I'm starting to think it's something I'm going to have to keep working on my whole life. *sigh*

Probably the most helpful thing was moving into my condo, which has a 6 ft tall, 15 ft long mirror on the wall of the living room!

[freecia]

Boobs first, ass last *snicker snicker*. I'm RAH RAH!ing for ya. I have short legs, too. During a trip to Banana Republic's petite section, I spied some pants on the wall. I asked the bf if he thought they were cropped pants. He thought so (being nice or is he clueless? Probably clueless)... I pulled them down to measure them against my legs. Oh yes, I pulled out the somewhat sardonic look- "Sorry hon, my legs are just /that/ short" And we had a good chuckle.

The sad part of eating healthy (I'm trying to lose a few pounds but hate to actually get on a treadmill) is that there's no Salt and Vinegar chips for me. So I'm suffering with ya. No, I don't have Brain-Fat, but I did notice my heels starting to hurt more after long shopping expeditions. Age? Yes. More Weight? Oh quite possible.

[maryse]

yay! on the weight loss!

when i was in highschool i thought i was ginormous (as did my father and the majority of his side of the family mostly because i took after my mother's side of the family, who was slim, but she smoked 2 packs a day to stay that way). also i lived in france at the time, where i couldn't find clothes that fit. so you do the math (don't worry, it's easy math).

i see pictures of me when i was 18 and you know what, i was damn cute. fuckers.

[claudia]

2.5 down! Yeah!!!

[Elspeth]

Wow, congrats on all the weight loss! It is so hard, too!

I am the similar build, exacerbated by having a younger, taller, thinner sister. The only difference is that I went to a school full of short people, so I didn't really feel that short until at least college and especially recently. Isn't it nice that people are getting taller these days? I guess they're getting fatter too ...

[Martha]

The Brain Fat is the hardest to overcome, I think. I have a friend who was pudgy in college, and for years after she became slim, she still had the old image of herself in her head. It has taken a long time for her to update that mental photo (but she has, finally).

[christine]

I just know that you are the sister I never met.......brain fat, got that. And the uuber-Germanic build.....got that, too. Where's our button?

[melanie]

uber-germanic builds are HOT.

[jenny]

I know exactly what you mean. I was always short, and I WAS skinny for awhile until middle school when I became average and muscular.

My mom always thought she was fat even though she wasn't . . . 125 was the number for her that equaled fat, and I remember being scared to death as a child to reach that weight! Even though when I was, I didn't look that bad.

Congrats on the 2 lbs honey!