Weight 2/3/06: 153.5
Pounds to Go: 38.5
Now: Thinking Things
This may surprise you, but I have always been a short girl. Even during those elementary school years when girls are supposed to be taller than boys well, I wasn’t. I was short.
And I really hated being short.
But although I was short, I wasn’t heavy. I wasn’t a skinny girl, and I had a long torso and short little legs, but I wasn’t heavy. I was an average, healthy size for my height and uber-Germanic build.
Here’s the thing – I’ve always thought I was fat, even though I wasn’t.
In my mind, I’ve never had ankles and I’ve always been fat, but I have pictures to prove that isn’t true – it seems that I did have ankles, right up into my late teens/early twenties. And then I gained a few pounds (pass the potato chips). And then I gained a few more (and the dip). And then I gained a few more (yes, I’d like a Suzy Q, pleasethankyou). And then…you get the picture (shorry, I cabt talk wif my mouf full).
For the last 11 years of my life, I have steadily put on pounds, a little at a time. The thing that really sucks is that each time I hit bottom (or each time I catch the reflection of my bottom in the mirror, har) I look back at my previous plateau and think, “Dude – what was wrong with you? You weren’t fat! You’re fat NOW, but you weren’t fat THEN!”
The shitty thing about always thinking I’m fat in the present but non-fat in the past is that as I am losing weight I still always think I’m fat. I realize now that when I am in that frame of mind I am Brain Fat instead of Body Fat, and I’m going to have to pay a lot of attention to that this time around – I have to finally become familiar with my body – and jesus, I need to give myself a break sometimes.
But you know what really sucks about losing weight? My boobs are gonna go first and my ass is going to hold on for dear life. Damn.