When Did I Become A Grown Up?

Or, reflections on a (almost) 32nd birthday.

See, this coming Monday I will turn 32 and letmejusttellyou, 32 seems like a way more serious commitment to my 30s than 31 did. At 31, I still felt like I was playing at being in my 30s, but 32? I am now In My 30s, and it makes me feel a little freaked out, er, reflective.

Reflective because although I don't feel like a grown up, I know, in fact, that I am.

My first inkling that I was becoming a Grown Up Type Person came when I realized that teenagers and kids listened to me when I told them things. This was both cool (because I like to get people to do things that I wouldn't do myself, and so people who will listen to me are Fun! And Entertaining!) and freaky (the first time a teenager called me ma'am and didn't mean it in a snarky way? I nearly cried). 

Honestly, I spend most of my days feeling like a decidedly UnGrown Up, but for these things:

• I have a Big Girl Job where Professors and other Really Smart People ask my advice, and then TAKE IT and say Thank You.
• I am responsible at work for millions of dollars. Oh god, typing that freaks my shit out.
• Conversations with Mike's kids: They are wonderful kids, and I love them very much, but they both have TEENAGE BRAIN. I never feel more grown up (read: old) than after I've talked with them about their world views. Or what is appropriate attire to wear for job interviews. Or the advisability of getting a big ass tattoo two weeks after your 18th birthday (and see - for Kim's 18th birthday present? I paid for her tattoo. But now? At almost 32? I think it's the dumbest idea EVER. Except not for me. God, these double standards are killingme).
• My sense of style has, er, evolved. Although my tummy is still relatively flat, I am not in favor of belly shirts any more. Nor do I think wearing 70's polyester jackets with a black bra and only one strategically buttoned button and really low slung pants with Doc Martens is appropriate work attire (there are people who knew me during this phase of my life who can attest to these fashion statements of mine. Luckily, there are no pictures).
• Furniture shopping is fun.
• The idea of buying a house is now Fun and not Being Brainwashed by The Man.
• Getting up at 5:30am seems more reasonable than going to bed at 5:30am.
• I now think that meetings are "lame" and a "necessary evil" rather than "cool".
• I think about buying handbags that have zippers so that my wallet can't get stolen easily rather than leaving all my crap on the front seat of my car (I've had my car broken into about 5 times, and I'd say that in almost all cases I had left something stupid out in plain view).
• I understand the necessity of chore lists.
• I do not think there is a right time or place for drinking jaegermeister.

I could go on and on, but well, I won't.

I will just say this - I realize now that my parents felt just like I do, and they made it all up as they went along, just like me, too. I don't think we ever FEEL like grown ups, I think we just become them throughout a lengthy maturation process that consists of knowing (I am amazed each year about how little I Know) less and understanding more. We'd like to believe that we never grow up, but I think it is a fact of life that we all, in fact, do grow up - it's just that being a grown up isn't a hell of a lot different than not being a grown up. I'm still spontaneous, and goofy, and completely inappropriate at times (my ability to use foul language at Exactly the Wrong Moment is LEGENDARY), and I am sure that wiser people than I hear the things that come out of my mouth and think that I am a hopeless idiot, but that's cool. It's where I am on the mature-o-meter right now. Somewhere between wanting more tattoos for me and wanting none for my (almost) kids.

Comments

[Emily]

Dude. I am a year older than you but I think I'm still far from a Grown Up since the idea of homeownership still freaks MY shit out. Plus I still say dude.
Well, happy birthday!

[Marcy, Not so Blogless]

Happy Birthday, E! Many happy returns. 32. That's so cute.

About feeling grownup? Guess what? Some of us never do! I've got 20 years on you, and I still don't feel like a grownup most of the time. What you don't know as a kid is that you can be a grownup and still be a goof. :D

[Cassie]

32!? Try being closer to 40... although I still don't feel like it (most of the time). Whatever. Happy Birthday! I think I missed it by a few minutes, but I'm always late like that.

[Kate]

Happiest Birthday Wishes!! Miss you! I'm hoping to make it down to Boston soon to see everyone

[Carol]

Happy Birthday!!
I'll trade ages with ya ANY day. Maryse sent me here, now I remember! Harlot mentions you all the time...I totally agree with "growing up" thing I too am "infested" with teens.
Hope you have a blast on your day!

[caro]

Oh lord, I'm right with you on all this stuff. Happy Birthday!

[Laurie]

Happy birthday! Peter Panism is incredibly overrated.

[Lucia]

Hey, happy birthday! Look at it this way: you're only 20 in nerd years. Or 10,000, if you ask a really old nerd.

[Chris]

It just get worse with the shocking realizations... Because me - 40? 6 weeks? WTF?

[melanie]

My name is Melanie and I am 32. I can relate to every single one of those bullets. Admission is the first step to recovery. :)

[kristen]

the beauty of having friends who are a few years older is being able to read this and know that it gets better instead of getting worse as time passes. I like having things to look forward to... :)

[Bookish Wendy]

I really think you ought to rethink that last one. Really.

Living in the south made me immune to the ma'am. Men older than me called me ma'am. It's all very weird.

[Beth S.]

I love your list! :-) Though I'm pretty sure I never thought meetings were cool. Except maybe the first time I went to one in my suit and felt all grown-up. Now one of my criteria for a job is that suits are NOT required!

Hope it's a really good birthday. :-)

[Jenny]

I know exactly what you mean. I can tell you though, the scariest grownup thing to do is sign the papers on the mortgage of your house. I mean, dude, I have a lawn guy . .. what is up with that?

[maryse]

you know, i think about this growing up thing ALL OF THE TIME.. i wonder if i'd feel more like a grown-up if i had kids. but i'm really thrown for a loop when i actually think about how really old i am. and i have to think about it because it doesn't come automatically to me -- like debbie says. i have to do math to figure it out.

i don't drink jaeger -- ever. never liked the taste.

the only sign i have that i'm a grown-up -- i'm going on a pub crawl this weekend and i will be acting as the designated driver. the mere thought of potentially being hungover is enough of a deterrent. it used to not be.

[christine]

I think you are a bit mature for your age. I didn't feel grown up until about 45. :)

[Debbie]

I just had to tell you that "32" is probably the last year that you'll be able to answer instantly when someone asks how old you are. I don't know why, but "33" was impossible to remember, and it just gets harder from there. It's not denial or senility, it's just that 33 is such a non-age. So enjoy having immediate recollection of your age for at least one more year!

[Martha]

What?? No Jaeger? I'm 10+ years older than you, but even I can see the occasional time and place for drinking Jaeger (I just can't make it taste good, that would take some kind of superhero. Captain Jaeger, to the rescue!). That's just throwing the baby out with the bathwater (coincidentally, kind of what Jaeger tastes like--bathwater, that is).

[Kate]

Uhhh... Carole totally called you out on that one :-) cause we were certainly drinking some jaeger.
I loved your list! Related to uhh.. all of them! The Meetings idea was the best though. I always thought I was so cool "going to a meeting" now I DREAD them!

[Carole]

No appropriate time for drinking jaegermeister? Not even at SPA?