Concateknit

Note to Self

Dear Elisa,

As much as I agree with you that it is unreasonable for Target to have the bathing suits already on display on January 6th, the fact remains that you DO live in California where in just a few weeks it will be warm enough to go outside without a coat on. And sooner than that, you'll start your crazy work travel season, which will take you to places where it will be warm enough for bathing suits and swimming pools and beverages with umbrellas in them. These things together mean that, as much as I understand why your brain simply said NO at the sight of the bikinis on display last night, the truth is that the NO had more to do with how snuggly your jeans were fitting than any kind of real objection to the idea of bikinis or swimming pools or cocktails with umbrellas in them.

So we must deal with the snug jeans. The cold, hard fact is that it's time to step away from the chocolate covered pretzels and manybeers and allthebread, and get back to a more sensible way of living, eating, exercising and being. It's time for drinking lots more water, having a healthy and tasty smoothie for breakfast, and saying no to Taco Bell for dinner just because it's easy.

Yes, work is stressful and anxious-making and sometimes even tear-inducing, but Elisa - it's almost always like that, and drive- through for dinner won't change tear-inducing work. And yes, work will also be full of the travel and full of the wierd conference lunches, and taking people for dinner, and being all super social and stuff, but Elisa - that's also not unusual, and most of those hotels you go to have nice gyms and even lovely running paths. You have to stop making excuses for why you can't get on the elliptical, go to the hotel gym, blah blah blah, and just deal with the fact that you are 37 years old and you get no more free passes when it comes to eating like crap and not exercising. You eat like crap = you feel like crap. You eat well = you feel well. It's so totally NOT rocket science, and yet you resist making the right choices sometimes with a stubborness that can only be fueled by white chocolate peppermint bark. Or egg nog. Whatever.

Anyway, Elisa, I'm writing this to you to say, sweetheart - suck it up. Make the time to exercise for 45 minutes a day, menu plan and cook so that you can easily make smart choices, and just keep in mind that you do not want to be the one wearing jeans in the shade while everyone else is in the pool.

Love,

E

National Elisa Thinks She Doesn't Run Day, Except Apparently She Does

Or, isn't it fun to talk about one's self in the third person?

Actually, I find it a little creepy when people talk about themselves in the third person so I will try to never, not ever, not ever never, do that again.

But I probably will.

SO!

I am running a 5k on Thanksgiving morning. No one is more surprised by this than I am (and yes, I do remember hitting the "register" button and yet I'm still surprised). Not only am I running it, but my WHOLE team at work is running it too, and someone keeps telling people about this 5k and suggesting that these people might also want to run it, and these other people keep saying "Hey - that sounds like a great idea, how do I sign up?" and OH MY GOD it is ME that keeps telling people to run with us, because apparently I need the spectre of public humiliation to complete a health and fitness goal.

Honestly, though, I had this realization recently that to really live a fit and healthy life, I can't relegate exercise to a single 35 minute session per day, even if that session happens six times a week. To be healthy and fit, I have to live an active life, and to me it seems that I need to do that in addition to workouts that require special equipment or gyms. I need to be more active - walking the dogs, working in the yard, going for hikes (except - no hills - hills displease me mightily) - just generally using my body MORE and my remote control less.

Also, I have believed for pretty much my whole life that I. Can't. Run. And then realizing that just the idea that I couldn't run has kept me from running really pissed me off, and so - POW - I'm running a 5k.

(Are you also starting to think that this is sounding like a Flogic post? I am. Oh boy.)

I'm sneaking up on this whole running thing by doing the Couch to 5k program, and here's the really fun thing - I'm doing it with my herd of little dogs. Yep - imagine - Concateknit who really has no idea how to run, interval training with three little dogs. The fact that the little dogs don't really have to run in order to keep up with me? Well, we're not worrying about those kinds of details right now. We're also not worrying about how I look running with three little dogs (who can keep pace w/out running) while carrying bright purple "LOOK I AM A RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER I HAVE PICKED UP THEIR POOP FROM YOUR LAWN" bags in my leash-carrying hand.

A minor aside: One awesome thing about interval training with a herd of little dogs (at least, with MY herd of little dogs) is that my little Miss Rosie girl greets every morning  now with three (little dog) big barks, and then immediately starts to run. She's at least 9 in dog years, people, and totally kicks Zorro and Dezi's butts at the whole running thing. I start off every run with a big laugh at her silly exuberance.

But! Also! So! Later this week I will get to do my whole "kind of running, but more like jogging, okay, let's be honest, it's really more like a quick weird shuffle-step" thing in San Diego on the water and I am totally looking forward to making myself look like an ass, which y'know, is a good thing, because I do that whole "look like an ass" thing on a pretty reliably regular basis.

I don't run, but I guess I do. Or something. #POW.

 

It's Possible That I am Insane

 
I've drunk the Kool-Aid.

I started eating Paleo a month ago, and tomorrow I'm planning to start this.

Probably it's not just possible that I'm insane, probably it's just the truth.

What I can say after a month of eating Paleo is that I sleep better, I have more energy, a more positive attitude, I've lost weight, and I am eating So. Many Veggies. I'm also eating so much more meat than I have in the past 20+ years, but I've stuck with primarily lean cuts and I've actually learned how to make a pretty mean pulled pork. So, whether the diet itself is a fad, I think that in general I've gained some good tips on eating more balanced meals, and so even if I'm crazy, I'm a happier crazy, and being a HAPPY KIND OF CRAZY is my goal for my 37th year.

Goofy girl says "hi!"

 

Stories from a weight loss journey

Those of you who have been reading for a while now (and thank you for that) know that I have always struggled with my weight. After Mike and I got married in 2006 and especially in the time leading up to our move to California in 2007, I steadily put back on the weight that I had lost leading up to the wedding (and then some. and then some more.)

I started working at my present company in September 2007 and I weighed more than I have ever weighed in my whole life. I was *thisclose* to not being able to buy clothes in my favorite stores. Nothing fit. I felt horrible in every outfit I tried on. We bought an elliptical machine and it sat, unused, a very expensive dust gathering machine.

I didn't really do anything about my weight gain until the Spring of 2008, and by the end of 2008 I had lost about 15 lbs. I was still heavier than I had been in Boston, but I was at least heading in the right direction. I lost and gained 5-7 of those 15 lbs at least a couple of times between last July and this Spring.

And then a friend of mine told me something that a friend of hers had said: If you want to be fit, you have to commit to it. It isn't something you can do half-assed.

That statement both rankled and resonated with me. Resonated because I knew it was true. Rankled because I didn't want it to be.

And then, as simple as it sounds, I made the decision to be fit. I made the decision to be accountable for my health every day, and I accepted the fact that I will not lose weight and keep weight off if I don't exercise (and unfortunately, walking the dogs just doesn't cut it). I started doing Pilates 6x/week, and I'm using that dusty elliptical machine 4, sometimes 5x/week in addition to walking the dogs every day and volunteering at ARF once a week (which is WORK, I tell you).

Since the day that I made that decision on March 23rd, I've lost 16.6 lbs, bring my total weight loss since Spring of 2008 to 31 lbs.

(March 23rd, 2009)

I fit into my size 10 jeans again (and I mean really fit - not Pretend Fit), I fit into my pink cordoroy pants. I seem to have shocked my body so much that I didn't even hardly stop at the size 12's - I went (really - I am not even making this up) from 14's to 10's within the span of about two weeks. My skin is better, I sleep better, I *feel* better, and I know that I look better. I am starting to feel like myself again because I'm not cranky all the time.

People - I have been VERY cranky.

Now? Now I feel more sassy than cranky.

Progress Shots:

January 31, 2008:

February 28, 2008:

April 22nd, 2009:

May 20, 2009

I have finally stopped over-complicating things and I've gotten out of my own way because ultimately it's very simple:  Being healthy requires a commitment to eating well and an active lifestyle.

For me, there is simply no other way to a healthy weight. Luckily I am finally on the right track.

Working it Out - Part I

I started out the year with a lot of enthusiasm for losing the weight that I've gained since my wedding and relocation to California. I followed about the same plan as I did back in 2006, and I was making progress.

Then I just...stopped. Stopped worrying about what I was eating, stopped using the elliptical machine at home, stopped weighing myself - just stopped.

And then I started to think, to really think, about what my motivations were for gaining the weight and losing weight, for dieting and exercising and for NOT dieting and exercising. How can I care so much one day and then care not at all the next?

Then Jackie posted about this book that she and Eric had read, and although the book looked really interesting to me, I thought "I can't read that book right now. I should be dieting. I'm trying to lose weight."

And then I thought about going to the farmer's market for some veggies for a salad and thought "I can't do that yet. I'm trying to lose weight."

And then it hit me: I've become so disconnected from "food" that a salad, made with local, fresh produce seemed something I shouldn't eat while I was trying to lose weight. And that apparently my desire to lose weight was not connected to a desire to be healthy or stronger, but primarily a desire to just weigh less.

And to me, weighing less apparently meant eating products geared ostensibly toward weight loss:  100 Calorie packs of snacks and/or cookies and low-cal, low-fat, low-whatever frozen entrees. But not food - I've become scared of food because I feel incapable of making good choices. I've let boxes and nutrition labels to tell me what I can eat and in what quantities, to the overall detriment of my health.

And then one day it kind of all came crashing down on me, and I had a lovely moment of clarity. I can never diet again. It took time to gain this weight and it will take time to lose it, but I need to lose it through the combination of healthful eating and increased activity, and I could not live in a better location to support those two habits.

I started by buying the Pollan book, and already I feel better about my ability to choose good food for myself. I've increased my activity and with the weather we've been having, there's simply no excuse not to get out with the dogs for more than our normal walks.

And even though I am committed to un-dieting, I do still need to get to a healthy weight, so I joined SparkPeople in order to have a place to track my food, my fitness, and my other life goals. If you're looking for a tool like this, I can highly recommend SparkPeople.

My moment of clarity, however, was not just about dieting (or un-dieting) - it was also about living a more sustainable lifestyle. I made a salad last night from entirely local ingredients, and it felt wonderful and wholesome and healthy. I'll be buying a bike soon (inspired by Claudia) so that I can run some of my lunchtime errands without using my car. I'm working on digging out a planting bed so I can grow my own herbs, some vegetables, and grow some flowers from seeds.

Basically, I'm just trying to work it all out - "it" being what I want kind of life I want to lead, what kind of legacy I want to leave behind, and what kind of impact I want to have on my environment and in my family. So, it's likely you'll see lots of rambling posts like this as I try to work it all out, and I will appreciate all the help and advice you can share along the way.

   

National Elisa Thinks That It's Time To Wrap This Thinking Stuff Up Day

Wrapping Up Thing the First: I Have a Problem, er Collection:

If you'll notice in the picture above, behind the wheel is my living room, which means that this wheel is in my living room. In fact, this wheel IS in my living room because it lives at my house. Carole, I blame you. It's your fault that I first fell in love with the Lendrum DT back at SPA 2005. Because of your Lendrum, no matter what other wheel I spin on, I always come back to the Lendrum DT. I am in love with my new wheel. Deeply, totally, inappropriately, in love with this (as yet) nameless wheel.

Wrapping Up Thing the Second: I Have a Problem:

I fell down at Stitches. If the wheel isn't enough to clue you in, there's the fiber and the yarn. I'll take and post pictures of said fiber and yarn soon (I promise) but let us just say...ouch.

Wrapping Up Thing the Third: Being Fat Sucks:

Those of you who have been reading for a while (and THANKS for that, btw) know that two years ago I hit 154 lbs, freaked out, and over the course of the following few months, lost about 20 lbs. What you might not know (unless you know me IRL) is that during 2007, I gained that weight back, plus some (A LOT some). I really believed that 154 lbs was it for me - that I'd never let myself get to that point again, and well. I lied, apparently, because I seriously blew right by 154 lbs with nary a pause. For the last two months, I've been working on losing the weight, and getting healthy again.

To give you (and me) some perspective on how my weight loss is going, I present two photos, both taken in my office's bathroom mirror, one month apart:

At the very least, my stomach and my butt have stopped pooching out quite so much. I mean, good lord, do you SEE the butt pooch going on in that first photo? That's just...wrong. I should mention that I am wearing the same pants/shoes combo in both photos.

With any luck, I will stop being fat soon.

And also? If you happen to weigh more than me, please do not think that I think YOU are fat. I do not. I think you are gorgeous and perfect just the way you are (I really do) I just think I am F.A.T.

Wrapping Up Thing the Fourth: Zorro says "thanks".

And also "Please come visit me now and rescue me from the crazy lady who dresses me up in dragon costumes and who may or may not already have planned out my next Halloween costume. In return for rescuing me, I will keep you safe from paper bags, beetles, spiders, deer, Allie when she's being spazzy, strangers, the next door neighbor's dog, Ninja Warrior, and dogs on TV. Sincerely, Zorro. And also? Come soon."

(Does he look like he's in his doggie happy place or what?)

Wrapping Up Thing the Fifth: It's Been Fun

Or, Thank God February Is Almost Over.

To be honest, I really, really love Thinking Stuff. Every year I make progress in the writing of My Manifesto, and every year you all crack my shit up. It's good times, I learn stuff about you that I didn't know before, and I am certain that you learn stuff about me that you wish you DIDN'T. ;) It's been a fun month, and I'm already looking forward to February 2009, which will be the 5th Annual NETSM, and will likely be filled with randomness, rules, puppers, and well, crazy ol' me.

Just hopefully there will be less of me. Much, much less of me.

A Final Note: On Monday I am going to the dentist and he is going to fix my tooth. What does that mean for you? Likely it will mean you will get some kind of loopy "This is Concateknit on val*um" post. Good times, people. Good times.

Sometimes You Can't Win

Knitting and spinning have forced me to broaden my color palette. Before I knit, I wore black almost exclusively, and accessorization wasn't really an issue because - everything I wore was black, so I bought black coats and black shoes and black fancypants handbags. Everything down to my underwear was black (okay, not ALL my underwear was black, but A LOT of it was).

Then I started to knit, and I knew that I wasn't going to knit with all black yarn all the time. I started incorporating more colors into my wardrobe. I had to buy a coat that accessorized with brown (because people? black does not go with brown in my world). I had to buy handbags that accessorized with browns, reds, greens, and blues, I bought non-black pants, non-black tops, I bought red shoes, and pink corduroys, and although I didn't wear those last two things together (at least I don't think I have, but I guess anything is possible) I started experimenting with color. I started wearing non-black socks - it was wild.

So, right now I am bursting out of my fat pants and I refuse to buy more. I'm not punishing myself really, I'm just cheap, and I'd rather buy thinner pants to celebrate than buy fatter pants to accommodate. You may disagree with me, and that's cool, but that's where I am with the fat pants.

I did, however, buy a black turtleneck (because it will still fit fine when I'm thinner, where my pants will just get, well, weird) this past weekend, and I wore it to work yesterday.

And I got more compliments than I *ever* do when I am wearing non-black.

So much for broadening my color horizons, hmm?

Who Knew?

I went to the going away shindig for a co-worker today and there was cake.

With lardy good frosting, and two layers: one chocolate and one coffee.

I didn't eat any.

I skipped the frosting flowers, I skipped the chocolate, I skipped the coffee flavoring. I passed on cake.

Why?

Because I remembered I had fresh, juicy pineapple back at my office, and get this...

I wanted the pineapple more than the cake.

Who knew?

National Elisa Thinks OH MY GOD HAS EVERYONE GONE NUTSO CRAZY AND DOESN’T ANYONE HAVE ANY MANNERS?!?!?! Day

Or, “Yes, I did go to the grocery store today, why do you ask?”

Hey-Zeus Christ people – doesn’t anyone remember their manners? Why does it seem that every place people congregate has become a free for all? A battleground? Why does no one seem to care that they inconvenience others, as long as they themselves aren’t inconvenienced? People – I just don’t get it.

I went to the grocery store today and almost got hit by an old lady who blew through a stop sign. Do you think she even acknowledged me when I honked at her and pointed at HER stop sign? Nope. She just looked at me and then continued on her way as if she hadn’t almost crashed into me.

And then I actually went IN to the grocery store, and it really went wrong.

Did anyone ever tell you that if you walked in front of someone you should say “excuse me”? Because my grandmother certainly told me to say excuse me, and so, y’know, I do.

But does ANYONE else? Nope.

When someone leaves their cart IN THE MIDDLE of the aisle so that NO ONE can get by them, do you think they have the good sense to look even *a little* chagrined when I have to move their cart over to get by? Nope. They look at me like I’ve done something fucked up because I touched their cart and apparently got my cooties in their groceries.

Why can I say “pardon me” or “excuse me” a minimum of 15 times in an hour at the grocery store and never, not once, have anyone say either to me, despite the fact that I’ve been bumped into, pushed around, and MOST SUPER CRAZY OF ALL - *completely* ignored at least 30 times?

The ignoring me thing has to be the craziest thing of all. I spent my hour at the grocery store trying really, really hard to be a small island of politeness and was astounded at the number of people who went out of their way NOT to make eye contact with me – to pretend like I didn’t even exist.

And as an aside, I’d just like to ask why is it that when I’m in a place where I’d like people to acknowledge my existence on the planet no one does, but when I’m sweating like a pig at the gym EVERYONE seems to want to chat? Hmm? Can you answer that?

But back to the manners. I am absolutely astounded at the lack of manners I see everywhere. When did life become such a battleground – each of us trying to get what we’re Owed at the expense of the most basic common courtesy? I know we’re all busy, I know we’re in a hurry, but why and how have we become a people so selfish and uncaring that we can just blithely pretend people don’t exist? I don’t know – maybe the only way we can pretend we’re not being assholes is just to ignore everyone’s existence but our own.

While we’re being honest here, it’s time for me to make a confession to you.

That weight I lost year? That I blogged about so publicly?

Yeah – well, I gained it all back.

And then some.

I haven’t weighed myself yet. I know I weigh a lot right now because I can feel it, but I’m not at the point where I want to get on a scale yet. That time is coming – I know it, but it’s not quite yet. I’m going to wait until my fat pants fit a little better before I have some quality time with my scale.

So, what happened?

Well, I got married and the re-entry to My Real Life was tough. To compensate, I ate everything in site, and the guilt of that turned me into a couch potato, one who didn’t go to the gym, didn’t walk much, didn’t do anything much, except eat, of course.

And so here I am again, unhappy with my body again, at bottom again, and trying, again, to figure out how I let this happen. It’s a lot to think about, but I have to think about it, and I really have to figure it out. I am 32 years old, and it is not healthy for me to do this to my body over and over again. The up/down weight, the overeating I do to placate my anxiety, sadness, anger, whatever. I have to really think about this, and I have to work it out.

That said, I went to the gym yesterday, bought healthy groceries, and have nutritious meals to look forward to this week. I’m taking one baby step at a time, and likely I’m going to start blogging my shit (read: body image/weight issues) all over this here blog. I want a healthier body, but most importantly, I NEED a healthier mind.

I Think It's Working

Bidness:

Weight as of 5/26/06: 133.5 lbs

Weight Loss for Week: 3 lbs

Target Weight: 115 lbs

Pounds to Goal: 18.5

WEIGHT LOST TO DATE: 22.5 lbs!

That's right folks - I am more than halfway to my goal weight. When I got on the scale this morning, I hoped for three things:

1) That I would not have gained any weight

2) That I would have *at least* lost half a pound, to bring me to a 20 lb total loss to date

3) That I would have lost 1 lb to get me to the halfway point in my weight loss.

I did a little victory dance when I saw that I blew right past both of those goals to 133.5! Woot!

  So, anyway - the picture on the left? A sideview of me taken by Mike last weekend. I may have tiny boobies these days, but I've got a tinier tummy, too, so it's all good.

The picture on the right? The size 8 pants and jeans I bought Wednesday evening. And the pants? A little big. Woot! Woot! Triple Woot!

For those of you out there who are also working hard to be healthier, lose a few pounds, or just get into better shape for bathing suit season (gak!),  remember that we've got a little ring out there (and by little, I mean little, there are like 6 of us (but we all *totally* rock)) so if you're interested in a little extra support (and let me tell you, you all have been integral to my continued motivation) I'd love to have you in the ring, so I can give back even a little bit of what you all have given me.

Oh - and who else plans to buy a wheel at Massachusetts Sheep & Wool this weekend? It can't be *just* me.